The Dreaded Christmas/Holiday Letter

Signed with a simple family signature, the traditional Christmas card is the perfect way to say to family and friends, "We're thinking about you this holiday season." Slowly infiltrating this glorious tradition is the annual Christmas letter, which has become the perfect way to say, "We're thinking about US. Want to hear about it?" And many of them could be summed up with:

Dear family and friends,
We're more successful than you. Our kids are smarter than yours, and Grandma had a hysterectomy last June. Merry Christmas.

If you're still thinking of writing one this year, use this helpful guide to keep it short and sweet.


Greetings ______________!
A. family and friends
B. everyone we have an address for
C. loathsome enemies

It has been quite a year at our house. It's amazing how much can change in only 12 months. For starters (insert name of spouse), was __________ work in January, just when the Christmas credit card bills came due. Things worked out fine, just like they always do.
A. promoted at
B. laid off from
C. investigated by the FBI at

My job as a stay-at-home (mom/dad) keeps me plenty busy, of course. There is always something to do around the house. Keeping up with the kids and still finding time to ____________ can be exhausting, but that's what being a parent is all about.
A. work out at the gym
B. watch my soaps
C. moonlight as an exotic pole dancer

And speaking of kids, we couldn't be prouder of ours. (Insert child's name here) ___________ . It's living proof that hard work will take you places.
A. made the honor roll
B. was voted student body president
C. is now leader of his prison gang at Riker's Island Correctional Facility

(Insert other child's name) is making waves in the community, too. He/She _______________. At first we weren't sure if we should tell people, but we thought, what the heck, every parent has bragging rights!
A. was named volunteer of the year for his/her work with local hospitals and nursing homes
B. scored the winning points in the state championship (insert sport) game
C. was arrested for public intoxication and indecent exposure at two local hospitals and three nursing homes

This summer we took the vacation we've always dreamed of. We went to _________. The kids had a blast and were fascinated by the native culture.
A. Jamaica
B. Mazatlan, Mexico
C. Branson, Missouri

After vacationing, we had a little money left over so we decided to remodel our lower-level family room. The furnishings were outdated, and the carpet needed replacing after __________.
A. our basement flooded when the sump pump quit working during a heavy rain
B. (insert child's name) burned a 6-foot-long hole in it while crafting a homemade explosive device
C. it became the indoor outhouse for our dog

We still have our dog, (insert name). He is getting up there in years, but continues to provide our family with the unconditional love only a (insert breed name) can. He may be old, but he can ________ as well as any young pup.
A. run and jump
B. chew the house to smithereens
C. ride a visitor's leg like a rodeo cowboy

My health took a turn this fall when I ___________. I feel much better now, although for awhile things were pretty touch-and-go. There was a time when I wasn't sure if I would make it.
A. lost 150 pounds
B. contracted bacterial flesh-eating disease
C. tripped over a pile of burning leaves and broke my leg

For Christmas this year, we're planning a low-key event. After the stress of last year's ________ , we decided to simplify our family's holiday activities.
A. festivities
B. clash with the riot police
C. CNN-covered massacre

We're hoping it will encourage our children to remember the true meaning of Christmas: ________.
A. family and friends
B. expensive presents
C. eggnog with lots of rum

May your holidays be as merry as ours,
The (insert family name here)